When they try to steal your moment.
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I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”