When they try to steal your moment.
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I think they could have phrased this better
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
🤣🤣🤣
