Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

pizza

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.

*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.

Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.