When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
You Might Also Like
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.