Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me: