When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
is this a warning or an offer?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one