When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
They did not think through this water fountain
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.