When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
You Might Also Like
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
the only bumper sticker ill allow
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats