When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
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I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.