Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”

You thought wrong.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy