When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am