Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏

Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body