@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

You Might Also Like

@Blue_Crab

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

@RandiLawson

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

@MomofTeen

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

@peachgrenade

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

@fightgeek

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

@Dawn_M_

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.