When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.