My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
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“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.