When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
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How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.