When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.