Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

Facebook Twitter

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.