When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Thrilling chase underway
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
yeah 😭
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens