When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine