When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The photographer’s assistant
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.