Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Math at Halloween.

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise