When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
incredible text to wake up to
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
smartest karate player in the world
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
