Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?