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Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.