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My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
This guy gets it.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
These are my roll models.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Damn what did I do next
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.