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For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media