Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

Watson was Holmes schooled

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

My ideal weight is five million dollars

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.

Darling

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.