Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows

ㅤ

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

The legends speak of a third Duran…

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?

Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.

6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.