When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
The government even made aliens boring
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it
How did we not see this back then?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?