Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

I tried screaming into the void today, but the line was too long.

Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.

Well, not on my watch.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.