When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
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My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative