Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”