Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

😸

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..

When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”

5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

*wife stares at me*

*I stare at her*

*she frowns*

*I smile*

“You didn’t notice my new-”

“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”

“Dress.”

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

so weird how every mom was born today

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.