Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Lol

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

it be like that