When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop