Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.