When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Schrödinger’s cookie
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome