When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
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You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Every photo I’m tagged in
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card