when u come home smelling like another dog
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My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.