when u come home smelling like another dog
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Namaste
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”