when u come home smelling like another dog
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9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
doing your own taxes
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I’m not average. I’m mean.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through