when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
journal
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
when unicorns get really drunk
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*