when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller