Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

me 2 months after i graduated