time zones are so weird like, australia is already in 2018, europe still in 2017 and the US in 1950…so weird lmaoo
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
-six beers please
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.
[in the club]
Me: did it hurt?
Cute Girl: excuse me?
Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?
Cute Girl: yes it did.
Me: once again I am so sorry.