when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star