when u get so high u forget u ordered food
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Easy enough.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.