when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
