when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

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bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??


If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person


I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.


As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left


Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂


I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.


? she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ?


In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.