when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
You Might Also Like
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.