when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
still the best tweet of the year by far
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
