Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

What’s the point buying it then?

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn

Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?

Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.

Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?