when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
You Might Also Like
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Time for evil
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.