Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

Look, a pure bread cat!

My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

Sure. Why not?

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

How can I say no to this ?

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?