Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

*brings coconut cake to a knife fight

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard

I’m fine

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up