when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.