when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My Plans 2020
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁