When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.