when unicorns get really drunk
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My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Twitter remains undefeated
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
weird email i got today
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.