when unicorns get really drunk
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I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me irl
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.