when unicorns get really drunk
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.