Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

My gf wouldn’t see the last Batman movie with me until we’d had our eighth restaurant date

Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”