when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
