When ur friends with white people
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[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground