When ur friends with white people
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I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
me at the job i begged god for
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*jingles half the way*
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*