when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.