when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby