when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
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Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.