[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Feels
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.