Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
You Might Also Like
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
A clown sighting was reported at the office this morning but it turns out Karen put her make up on in the car again.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”