There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed