Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Shoo shoo! 😂

Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.