When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
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this is the greatest thing ever
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
i’m still crying at this
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no