When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Doggies just call it style.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.