When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
this is the kind of friend i am
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*