When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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Cardio? Is that in Spain?
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Hmm 🧐
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda