When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
You Might Also Like
Travel bloggers during quarantine
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
birds and squirrels envy us
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”