When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Simple
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.